No politics, purely about the people, you and me... Since the lockdown I've actually enjoyed life a bit more, as a chronic depressive I find being around a lot of people very awkward. By nature I'm a person who knows what they want, where it is and the most proper route to take. Take supermarket shopping, I know the aisles, the items placement and I methodically work through the list and the aisles in order and get out of there ASAP. now that could sound like I have an irrational problem with supermarkets and in some respect I do but the way I shop comes from how I worked. I had a LOT to do in a day and shopping just ate at my time so I got it in to a routine. With the lockdown I saw less people in there and I could relax, no 100 to an aisle and 20 kids running riot, I could move through the supermarket easily and not be tangled up in bodies. The same with the streets, people move away from each other now, it makes walking down the road so much easier, especially if you have bad knee's like myself. Buses are easier, travelling in general seems to have spaced out and the roads are less congested. Sure I get that people need to get back to work but I for one hope this general spacing keeps on, in the past just walking down the high street was a game of dodge 'em, people not looking where they were going, head down in the mobile or chatting to their 10 mates strung out in a line of prams. Much of that has gone, people are more concerned with the next person, I like it.. Have I been groomed in to being a certain way, I don't think so, it works so well for me...Life got a bit more normal in a very un-normal situation.. How's it going for you?
________ ________ Deb and I are both hermits, really. Me, because I had such a messed up childhood. Being serially raped by a guy in my neighborhood when I was 8 or 9 and later molested by ANOTHER guy when I was 16 didn't help, but most of the damage came from being raised in an abusive home by the woman who birthed me as emotional, physical, and psychological abuse served as my reality during my formative years. Of course, abusive homes are isolationist by nature to hide the abuse, so I never developed the social skills I found I needed as I entered the world at-large after being kicked out of my home when I finally stood up to my mother and told her that if she ever laid a hand on me again, I'd put her down like a rabid animal SHOULD be put down. So, I've always been the sort to keep to myself, although my online life at least began to give me the voice I never had, and allows me to step outside of my self and interact with others through the safety net of distance and, to varying extents, anonymity insofar as my person and the irrational conviction that people who see me will see the taint and degradation I lived through at the hands of child molesters as well as my own mother. I have a lot of difficulty navigating the social cues and such that most people seem to have, and my brokenness sure colored my relationships as trust just wasn't there. After all, the people closest to you, I learned from my childhood on, are the ones that can really hurt you-- and who closer than one's spouse. The shutdowns didn't affect me, nor the social distancing, since I've had a lifetime of experience in those departments. Just another day in my life. Ironically, my norm has become everyone else's these past 4 months. And even if things return to "normal," this already IS my normal and has been for a very long time. Sometimes I do miss and wonder what it'd be like to hang out with friends and such, but judging by the drama that I see going on in my own children's lives, as well as our daughter-in-law's, I have to admit that I prefer NO DRAMA in my life. After all, I have enough to deal and cope with just in my own life and brokenness. Many days, that's more than enough. --Tim
Wow Tim, that is a difficult story to read and I can only congratulate you for escaping and taking control of your life. I was in a kids home as youngster because my parents were alcoholics and I just wasn't pushed to school so I stayed away, eventually social services got involved and I was put in a kids home to serve out my school time. While in there an attempt to molest me was made by a councillor but I got out before it could happen. It left quite a mental mark on me for a while as I was short, thin and wasn't very sociable then but as I grew older I also grew in stature and physical strength, that gave me the mental strength to use the world at my pleasure rather than it victimising me. I've never been the life and soul of a party, I don't particularly enjoy that sort of stuff but when placed in one I always show people a happy confident side, people can't believe it's not really my thing. I'm usually very private although I have talked about very painful things simply to try and make others who suffer to see it can be talked about and you can gain from it. So the way things are suits me fine, I'm happy to be at home and away from the maddening crowd, and thankfully at this time the crowd is too busy monitoring themselves and others to annoy me
I couldn't really talk openly about it until I was in my late 40s, which helped me appreciate why victims are often so much older when they finally come forward against their molesters. Still, those incidents impacted not only my view of sexuality but the intimacy aspects that come with marriage. Very difficult waters to navigate, even through most of my adulthood. Yet as crazy as this sounds, I was far more bitter, resentful, and angry with my mother for pouring out all her pent-up rage at my father following her divorcing of him when I was 7 or 8. The other crimes against me and my person were simply the frosting on a very rotten cake. My rapist later killed himself in a drunk driving accident during my 20s, and the molester died from AIDS around the same time as it made its initial rounds through the homosexual community. My mom, well, she's still kicking and on the rare occasions when I call her to see if she's still breathing, is still a reliable source of all-about-her. While I no longer believe that everyone is evil and untrustworthy, there ARE plenty of downright evil people out there... some of them right within a child's own home. I have zero tolerance for molesters and rapists, of course, and resent their being supported in the prison system when they should, quite frankly, be put down. ESPECIALLY pedophile priests and ministers and ANY pervert who carries on evil while pretending to be all about God, Jesus, and the Bible. If I believed in Hell, there'd be a special place for their ilk. I'm super glad you were able to get away from your own situation there in the kids home, Paul, that's for sure! This sounds very similar to me. Maybe it was a result of everything that happened to me, but I am able to keep up a facade in those social situations that require it, but only in short bursts before the anxiety sets in. But in spite of my own self and issues, I have always tried to be upbuilding and encouraging and kind to others and I guess in some ways I am especially sensitive to when a person's hurt or bothered about something, and it makes me feel a little better when I can help them. And I'm with you: no crowds is like a blessing, so this virulent fear is making my life easier than I've felt in a very, very long time... if ever, and I'm going to soak it up while I can. All the best, Tim
I was quite social and a big party guy in my teens and twenties, through high school and college, but I grew tired of it all and regressed into a hermit by my 40's, and am quite happy being a "loner" these days, except for on-line friends. There was an incident in my late teens were I was molested too, but it was a situation I stupidly put myself in, and was old enough by then that I wasn't a virgin or anything, so while the incident was bad, I was pretty much an adult and lucky enough to be able to see it as just an isolated incident and it didn't effect me much mentally, socially, etc. But whether things ever get back to "normal" or not, my life won't change much either way, and I'm happy with that. And no, @Paul "Mclaneinc" Irvine , you are not strange or whatever for hating crowds in the streets or supermarkets or anywhere, I hate it too and feel uncomfortable and am also much happier with less people in the isles, etc. too. Being social is just too much of a hassle for me anymore, unless I'm with a bunch of people that have a LOT in common with me, otherwise I'm uncomfortable and always have been, I just pushed through it with a stiff upper lip when I was young, and alcohol and marijuana help me relax in the crowd back then too.
People around me always say I'm a great bloke but to be honest I'm just being what I hope everyone would be, I'm the give my seat up sort of person but in truth I do like it quiet and less people around. I had all my hassle when I was younger, I don't really want it now as my body is having a go at me. My biggest worry is my daughter, as she gets ready to leave home I know she still has mental health issues that she struggles with, thankfully not the food, like me she likes a place that's quiet and avoids huge crowds if possible. Its one of the reasons she put off going to Hyper Japan so much, super crowded yet she loved doing the modeling. I just want to see her these fears she has and if it's all too much then she has a home to come back to. Uni will either make her or be too much for her. As for us lot, I feel like I'm in a slightly strange Super Hero group, a set of people united by parts of their life and illness but united by being decent good people.....A group I'm more than happy to be in...
@Paul "Mclaneinc" Irvine "...to be honest I'm just being what I hope everyone would be, I'm the give my seat up sort of person but in truth I do like it quiet and less people around." This just sounds like another way of stating "the golden rule" (do unto others as you would have them do unto you), something I was raised on and always try to follow, though no one is perfect and I've certainly fallen short of this mark many times in my life. As you stated "slightly strange Super Hero group" it does seem like everyone here has a similar attitude in this regard. Honest, ethical, empathetic, kind, giving, friendly...all requirements of following the golden rule. And regardless of today's society viewing these virtues as weakness, the truth is exactly opposite; it takes strength of every kind to be this type of person, especially in the face of modern society when the rest of the world who are not like this, view it as weakness, and you still do it even knowing many around you think you are weak and a sucker, or doing it out of fear or whatever.
Yes Tim, I remember that episode well and often reflect on it. I actually was just thinking of this very episode of the Twilight Zone only a few days ago. But then great minds think alike. I think the moral of the story is always have a couple spare pair of glasses before attempting to survive the end of the world. And...maybe look for food to have close at hand before worring about how you will spend all your free time!
